Erik Smash!’s Top 5 (Bottom?) Worst Comic Book Movies

5. HULK (not to be confused with ‘The INCREDIBLE Hulk’)

What we wanted to see: HULK SMASH!

What we got: HULK Sad…?

This movie could’ve been awesome. The teaser trailer blew me away! However, the director (Ang Lee) and the studio (Universal) both wanted something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from this film, and what we got was mismatched disaster 😦
What I mean to say is it was both a hardcore Drama, and a Sci-Fi Action film, with NO balance. Plus, it was WAY too long for what it was, the movie just drags on. The acting kinda sucked considering it had: Eric Bana (this version of Banner had some serious issues, not just anger ones), Jennifer Connelley (Betty Ross, not quite as hot as Liv Tyler’s version), Sam Eliot (as himself, I mean General Ross), and Nick Nolte as Bruce’s father David (who actually gained a pretty badass power to absorb energy, unfortunately by that point in the movie, no one cared anymore).
Luckily the franchise was saved when Marvel Studios got a hold of it and rebooted it with Edward Norton, leading into the Avengers where Banner was once again recast as Mark Ruffalo (who proved that “Hulk is best there is!”)

Um…. why is he twenty feet tall?

4. Punisher: War Zone
What we wanted: a bad-ass Punisher film more in line with the comics
What we got: a worse Punisher film than the last one…?!
I’m going to be straight with you, I was one of the few that actually really liked the Punisher film prior to this one (starring: Thomas Jane and John Travolta), but hell, I even liked ‘Daredevil’ (with Ben Affleck, Jennifer Gardner, Collin Farrell, and Michael Clark Duncan) even though it wasn’t the best interpretation of the comics, so I’m pretty lenient when it comes to comic-book-based-films, but man this movie SUCKED!
I thought the 80’s one was better, and he didn’t even wear a skull on his chest…
Hell, I thought both Ghost Rider movies put together were better than this one!
And the really terrible thing about it, is that it actually looked cool, it was actually accurate to the comics, it had that fat dude from Jurassic Park (who got eaten by a dinosaur), and it all sounded cool on paper. Seriously, Jig-Saw sounds like a cool villain, this Frank Castle was hardcore, but the movie just lacked… something. All action and gore, nothing resembling a cohesive plot, etc…
Pass on this one, unless you’re just a huge Marvel fan, than rent it and check it out for the references…
Word is they’ll be rebooting it yet again.

Mom! Hey, mom! Watch my ruin every scene of this movie that I somehow got a role in!

3. Superman III
What we wanted: a really awesome follow-up to one of the coolest franchises (at that time) in cinema history, a love triangle with Lana, Lois, and Clark, packed with epic aerial action involving classic villains like The Parasite, Bizarro, and Brainiac!
What we got: Richard Pryor with more screen time than Christopher Reeves (Superman himself)… ?!!?!?! WHAT?!
This film is the main reason no one takes Superman seriously any more. This movie almost tanked the entire super-hero movie craze before it even began. This movie started the trend of awesome Super-Hero movie trilogies ending with a flop (Spider-man 3, X-Men: The Last Stand, etc) This movie should never have been made!

….What?

Man, this is one wretched piece of garbage! I mean, seriously?! Superman’s an ass-hole for half the movie because of some synthetic Kryptonite made with tobacco? The main villain is a wealthy business man out to destroy the Man of Steel (but he’s not Lex Luthor?!)
I love Richard Pryor (who plays a computer hacker who helps create an artificial intelligence super computer), but he didn’t need to be the main character of this film. The previous Richard Donner directed movies were cheesy as all get out with a ton of comic relief, but that wasn’t the main attraction before. Superman: the Movie is a classic, it’s a timeless origin story that spans generations, where Clark Kent / Kal-El fought off criminal mastermind Lex Luthor’s evil plot for… land domination (?) along with Kryptonite, and nuclear weapons. It’s sequel continued the story with the Kryptonian Phantom Zone escapees: General Zod while Clark dealt with the loss of his powers (another super-hero staple at this point), but after those two we got this?!
What’s worse is that ‘Superman IV: The Quest for Peace’, Super-girl, Steel, AND ‘Superman Returns’ are all not much better than this crap fest…
So glad that we’ll finally be getting a decent, MODERNIZED, version of Superman next year (Snyder’s “Man of Steel”)

You’ve been FILMING this?!!!??!?! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

2. Batman and Robin
What we wanted: a good Batman film; just as good or better than the previous Tim Burton Bat-films of the 90’s
What we got: a bad Batman film: a straight up remake of the campy 60’s TV spoof… and enough cold-puns to give you brain freeze
I’m not saying that this is the worst movie ever, (as far as campy movies it does have some entertainment value) but as far as Bat-movies go it’s without a doubt the worst one, in fact ALL of the animated ones are better than this one. (In fact, if you want a Good movie with Mr. Freeze go watch ‘Sub-Zero’, one of the best animated Bat-movies right behind ‘Mask of the Phantasm’ of course, which is better than all of them, except for Nolan’s trilogy).

…We’re so, SO, sorry.

There’s so many things wrong with this movie, so I’ll try to sum it up: Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze?!, George Clooney as Bruce Wayne (worst than Val Kilmer and Adam West combined!), Bane was literally retarded? (which is the opposite of his character in the comics), Robin should’ve just been called ‘Nightwing’ at this point, Gordon and the rest of Gotham PD were made to look even more inept than they had in the previous installments, the movie just plain didn’t take itself seriously, the dialogue was barf-worthy, the plot was ludicrous, there was no compelling drama surrounding Freeze’s frozen bride (like in the animated series), Alfred’s sub-plot was better than anything else in the entirety of the film!, Gotham was unrecognizable as a randomly neon-infested city-scape, and the movie was simply devoid of the darkness prevalent in the rest of the series.
The first Batman film might not’ve been perfect, but it was a good movie, if nothing else Jack Nicholson gave a good performance of that version of the Joker, and there were a lot of cool explosions, Batman Returns might’ve had its share of problems, but at least it was dark, as Batman should be with creepy takes on both the Penguin and Catwoman, Batman Forever, with all it’s problems, is still redeemable in my eyes, because it actually pulled off Robin’s origin story nicely, and Two-Face actually killed people (even if he became a total tool for Jim Carey, I mean Riddler).
Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy was pretty hot, but she didn’t seem like much of a threat.Same goes for Alicia Silverstone as Bat-girl (not Barbara Gordon?), she was smoking hot, but didn’t seem like an effective, or even capable crime-fighter.
One good thing that came from it? We got a proper Bat-film with the Batman Begins, the perfect reboot, which also in turn spawned several spectacular franchise reboots: ‘Casino Royale’ (Bond), J.J. Abram’s action-packed ‘Star Trek’ remake, Zack Snyder’s upcoming ‘Man of Steel’ among others…

This is supposed to be Bane.
…Fuck you, Schumacher.

1. The original 1994 Fantastic Four
What we wanted: I’m not even sure what people were expecting since the technology to pull off a decent ‘Fantastic Four’ film didn’t come about till ten years later
What we got: one of the worst possible, lowest-budgeted, worst acted super hero film in all of movie history!
Just to clarify this IS NOT the same movie from 2004, with (a smoking hot) Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis (the Thing), and Julian McMahon (Dr. Doom).
No this movie is so much worse…
In fact, the two more recent FF films were Oscar-winning gold in comparison to this crap-fest.
It’s so bad it’s unintentionally funny.
Worst Special Effects EVER!!
This garbage even had a cliff hanger?!
This piece of shit was so bad it never saw the light of day.
The studio was ashamed of it.
I’m ashamed of it.
You should be too.

They couldn’t afford any kind of special effects, so the Human Torch was a CARTOON!

                                                                                                  Erik Slader

Read my humorous history blog at: www.EpikFails.com

—Also, be sure to check out these related articles:

6 Terrible Superman Movies That You Won’t Believe Almost Happened!

The Not-so-Great Debate #1 – Battle of the Rogues

Spoiler Alert: Superman’s super-suit

First Appearances Can Be Deceiving – The Golden Age

 

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6 responses to “Erik Smash!’s Top 5 (Bottom?) Worst Comic Book Movies

  1. Pingback: EPIC FAIL… a chronology of historic short-comings « EPIk FAILs!!

  2. Pingback: 6 Terrible Superman Movies That You Won’t Believe Almost Happened! | Comic Zombie

  3. I would have forgiven Batman And Robin for being camp if it hadn’t been so appallingly dull.
    And utter fool that I am, part of me now wants to see that FF4 movie…

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