WTF Moments 48

So there’s this dogshit Spider-Man story that came about towards the end of the J Michael Straczynski run (and no, I’m not talking about Sins Past or One More Day… damn, JMS had his name on THREE of the worst Spidey stories ever. I just realized that). In it, Morlun, a member of a race called the Inheritors that travels across realities devouring the life energies of ‘totem’ powered superhumans (people who are animal themed, basically). Peter beat him once before by the very skin of his teeth, so when Morlun shows up it’s a big deal. They get in a big fight and it’s going horribly for Spidey, and suddenly gets much worse when Morlun plucks his EYE OUT OF HIS HEAD AND THEN EATS IT.

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Then he beats Spider-Man to the edge of death, he nearly dies in the hospital from his injuries, eventually wraps himself in a web cocoon, and emerges with new powers. Including giant ‘stingers’ that come out of his wrists. Y’know, like spiders!

This story is such a terrible, ridiculous mess. It doesn’t get nearly the attention its shit-tastic quality would normally demand because of the aforementioned Sins Past, in which it was revealed the sweet, innocent ‘girl next door’ Gwen Stacy had actually been sleeping with Norman Osborn, the Green fucking Goblin, got pregnant, left the country, had twins, and this is why the Green Goblin decided to kill her all of those years ago; and One More Day, in which Peter and Mary Jane sacrifice their marriage (somehow) to the fucking devil to save an 80+ year old Aunt May from a gunshot wound.

Both of those sound pretty awful, right? So people tend to kind of forget that the page above happened, and that THIS happened:

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Web shooter were replaced with organic webs, the ‘totem’ connection was made stronger than ever, exactly how Spidey was able to regrow an eyeball and heal from his injuries was never revealed, and we got the oh-so-classic, never ever to be forgotten or thrown away, genius idea spider-stingers!

even-spider-man-himself-has-been-surprised-by-some-of-his-transformationsEven Spidey knows those things are fucking disgusting, have nothing to do with spiders, and, oh yeah, are fucking disgusting.

Spider-Man: The Other. Pfft. What the fuck.

 

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WTF Moments 47

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So remember how the Punisher got attacked by a bunch of guys in prison, and had his face cut up by Jigsaw? And remember how he escaped from prison and found an off-the-books doctor to fix his face, but asked that they change his appearance so that he could remain under the radar?

And remember that the doctor decided the best bet was to somehow make him a black man?

Wait, what?

Yeah, the doctor performs an experimental surgery that somehow changes his skin color and facial structure so he looks like an African American. He teams up with Luke Cage, who has no idea he’s the Punisher, and they beat the bad guys. Then Frank goes back to being white.

WHAT THE FUCK?

WTF Moments 46

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So Maximum Carnage is drawing to what promises to be an epic conclusion. Spider-Man and his numerous allies have been run ragged fighting Carnage and his band of murdering psychopaths for days, and the final confrontation is drawing to a close. How are the good guys possibly going to stop this maniac from continuing to slaughter the citizens of New York? Will Firestar use her flame powers to kill Carnage? Will Cloak and Dagger do something awesome to get back at the bad guys for what they’ve been through? Will Captain America or Iron Fist or Deathlok pull something out of their hat at the last second? Or will Venom or Spider-Man overwhelm Carnage with the pure rage and frustrations they’ve been under?

Nope. Love ray.

…What the fuck?

The heroes get a gun that was designed at Rand Industries that literally overwhelms the hatred the bad guys feel with love and compassion. It drives them crazy and makes them see the horror they’ve caused. They feel bad and surrender (except Carnage, but it hits him right in the feels, too). I can’t make this up. I would never make something so stupid up.

What a fucking stupid idea. What the fuck.

WTF Moments 44

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There was a time at the turn of the century when Marvel just didn’t know what to do with the Punisher.

The most straight forward, uncomplicated character they have, and they couldn’t figure it out. So what did they do? They killed him, had angels resurrect him with demon sight (he could see demons) and sprit guns that could kill said demons.

This actually happened.

What the fuck?

WTF Moments 43

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“Please, Superman, we’re dying! Even a little bit of water in this dirty can of dog food!”

“Nope.”

“Superman, it’s me, Lois! I love you! You’re letting us die of thirst! There’s literally water right behind you!”

“Nope. Nobody gets a drop. I’m a hero.”

What the fuck, Superman?

 

WTF Moments 42

the-one-the-world-can-and-39-t-get-along-without-superman-comic-book-series-photo-u1What the fuck is happening here?

It’s not that it’s just so crazy- I mean, look at all the crap in the background!- but it’s that I imagine he stopped being Superman all of five seconds ago and already there’s fires, a plane crash, murder, and a train derailment, all AT THE SAME TIME and all ON THE SAME STREET.

And then there’s Supes and Lois, strolling down the street without a care in the world.

I can’t help but have the song “Best Friend” in my head as I picture this happening.

What the fuck, Superman?