The Amazing Spider-Movies! – Part One

Tobey Maguire / Andrew Garfield

Because you demanded it, we’re back with more breakdowns of the super hero movies you love, hate, and love to hate! Last time we covered the terrifying highs and gut wrenching, suicide inducing lows of the Batman franchise. This time we’re going with something a bit lighter, the Sam Raimi and Marc Webb Spider-Man franchises. That’s right, five movies of web slinging, cool villains, not so cool villains, great character moments, horrible character misfires, great casting, worst case scenario casting, all of it. From Raimi to Webb, Dunst/Howard to Stone, Maguire to Garfield, we’ll cover it all.

First up, the one that started it all, and really kicked the super hero movie craze of the early 21st century into gear…

 

Spider-man Movie Poster

Spider-man (2002)

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Starring: Tobey Maguire (Peter Parker/Spider-Man), Willem Dafoe (Norman Osborn/The Green Goblin), Kirsten Dunst (Mary Jane Watson), James Franco (Harry Osborn), Cliff Robertson (Uncle Ben), Rosemary Harris (Aunt May), J. K. Simmons (J. Jonah Jameson), Joe Manganiello (Flash Thompson), Elizabeth Banks (Betty Brant), and Bruce Campbell

Plot: Peter Parker is bit by a genetically modified spider gaining the proportionate strength and agility of a human spider. After his Uncle Ben is killed by a car jacker and he learns the killer is a man he could have stopped before, he tragically learns the lesson ‘with great power must also come great responsibility’. Now, as Spider-Man, he tries to balance fighting crime and the new menace of the Green Goblin with his personal life, which includes his now widowed Aunt May, his best friend (and son of his new enemy) Harry Osborn, and the girl he loves, Mary Jane Watson, as well as a new job taking pictures for J Jonah Jameson and the Daily Bugle.

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WTF Moments 33

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Of all of the Marvel characters, the 1990’s were probably the least kind to Spider-Man. A character known for crazy villains, impossible odds, and generally having fun titles, the 90’s saw Spider-Man devolve into convoluted storylines, grim and gritty unnecessary re-imaginings, and two of the most ridiculous plot twists ever. The most well known was the reveal that the Peter Parker we had been reading about for the previous 30 something years was, in fact, a clone, and that the original was back with a horrible costume, horrible super hero name, new identity, and bleached blonde hair. The clone saga nearly killed Spider-Man forever, and became the face of everything that was wrong with Marvel comics at the time.

However, before that mess even began, there was another ridiculous plot twist. Peter’s parents, who had been dead since years before Amazing Fantasy #15 (!!) were, in fact, ALIVE! They had just been in a Russian prison camp this whole time! Derp!

The writers had no idea where this story was going, as it was one of those ‘editorial decisions’ that nobody seemed to have any faith in, or any interest in doing. So after a year or two, the next big reveal came about: they weren’t really his parents, but eeeeeevil robots sent by the Chameleon to discover Spider-Man’s secret identity by getting close to his photographer, Peter Parker! Or something.

I mean, just look at this shit:

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WTF Moments 31

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“I have feasted on the nectars of the wild fruit in the land of the Norns.

I have dined in the exalted halls of the Godly Realms.

This day, I am offered a creamsicle.”

What the fuck, guys, seriously? A creamsicle? Look at Thor’s face, he knows how shafted he just got.

The next page is probably like “And with that, Thor departed Midgard, returning only to raze it to ashes and spread salt across the planet, so nothing could grow evermore. Alas, the mortals should not have e’er bequeathed a craemsicle upon him.”

WTF Moments 30

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The DC Comics of the Silver Age were full of wacky shit, as we have seen more than a few times with Batman and Superman WTF Moments in the past. But in this Flash comic things get really weird when Flash is hit with a gun that fires radiation that ’causes the body to absorb moisture from the air at an incredible rate, and swells its victim like a balloon!’

The result: Fat Flash

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Jabba’s Flash cosplay

What. The. Fuck.

There is something so unsettling about this image, and yet… something familiar….

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Worst homage ever!

 

 

WTF Moments 29

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What the…..

This is the most unsettling thing I’ve seen since… hell, since Batman & Robin.

There is so much wrong here. I think the thing that gets me the most is that Cap is wearing his uniform, complete with chain mail top, underneath his dress. So he’s this ‘old lady’ with a huge upper body. And Bucky looks like he’s off to be the mascot at a pedophile convention.