Probably the biggest WTF?! moment of the last 15 years from the big 2:
So Spidey is frantically trying to save his Aunt May from a gunshot wound, and aaallll of the baddest badass scientists in the Marvel Universe, from guys like Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, Dr. Strange, etc to maniacs like Dr. Doom and Dr. Octopus, are all like “she’s old, AND got shot? Wow, that’s beyond me, sorry, can’t help you. Now to invent some crazy shit that tears dimensional walls/travels through time/turns regular people into superhumans/steals memories/whatever”.
So then the ‘devil’, Mephisto, shows up and is like “I’ll help her, but in return I want your marriage, because….. well…. um… because the story demands that’s what I want so Spider-Man can be young and single again”.
What the fuck?
The story was so bad that the writer, J Michael Straczinski, dropped off of the book and asked that his name be removed from the story.
And to the limey going “Ow’d ‘e shake off the effect of the gas? It’s supposed to work for hours! Pip pip cheerio!” , I’d say whatever the hell kind of gas you gave ol’ Supes is working pretty damn well. Maybe not he way you intended, but it has him wearing a shitty cat outfit, somehow ‘Spider-Man’ing a pole, and playing what looks like the ukulele for a live audience while making (and I’m putting this kindly) a humungous asshole out of himself. Lex Luthor would be proud, but he topped you by stealing 40 cakes.
First of all, Satan is a tiny, winged, genital-less, cape sporting red guy that likes to jump through people’s windows to scare them? And people are apparently so used to this, or so generally jaded overall, that the reaction this chick has isn’t even “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BEDROOM!?” but a nonchalant “So?”
Second, why is he announcing himself like he’s Mario? “It’s me… Satan!” Who talks like that? Maybe it’s that kind of grammar, and a lack of pants, that force him to enter people’s homes through windows instead of through the door like a normal embodiment of evil.
Third, what is she reading? The front cover is just plain white with an off-center “Who Cares?” and the back cover is more white with off center “Who Dun It?” Shouldn’t those at least be reversed?
There have been a lot (A LOT) of ‘what the fuck??!?’ moments in comic book history, especially when it comes to the super heroes of Marvel and DC Comics. But there is one project that, from top to bottom, just makes you want to scream it from the rooftops. No, I’m not talking about Final Crisis, or One More Day, or even Zero Hour or Heroes Reborn.
I’m talking about Amalgam.
Yeah, we’re going there.
In the late 1990’s Marvel and DC were hurting. The speculator boom of the early part of the decade caused the industry to collapse on itself, and both companies were scrambling for direction and for ways to bring their lapsed readers back, not to mention brining new readers in. They resorted to some really bad crossovers, notably Marvel VS DC, which saw fights like Flash vs Quicksilver, Green Lantern vs Silver Surfer, Lobo vs Wolverine (sort of), Batman vs Captain America, and others. To say it sucked is an insult to all things that suck.
But they weren’t done.
On the heels of that they unleashed the Amalgam universe, which was presented by both companies (neither of you get a pass!) and featured combinations of their characters, so you had Batman and Wolverine combined to make the ridiculous “Dark Claw”, and other nonsense.
I’m the best there is at what I do, and what I do is suck!
Of all of the Marvel characters, the 1990’s were probably the least kind to Spider-Man. A character known for crazy villains, impossible odds, and generally having fun titles, the 90’s saw Spider-Man devolve into convoluted storylines, grim and gritty unnecessary re-imaginings, and two of the most ridiculous plot twists ever. The most well known was the reveal that the Peter Parker we had been reading about for the previous 30 something years was, in fact, a clone, and that the original was back with a horrible costume, horrible super hero name, new identity, and bleached blonde hair. The clone saga nearly killed Spider-Man forever, and became the face of everything that was wrong with Marvel comics at the time.
However, before that mess even began, there was another ridiculous plot twist. Peter’s parents, who had been dead since years before Amazing Fantasy #15 (!!) were, in fact, ALIVE! They had just been in a Russian prison camp this whole time! Derp!
The writers had no idea where this story was going, as it was one of those ‘editorial decisions’ that nobody seemed to have any faith in, or any interest in doing. So after a year or two, the next big reveal came about: they weren’t really his parents, but eeeeeevil robots sent by the Chameleon to discover Spider-Man’s secret identity by getting close to his photographer, Peter Parker! Or something.
“I have feasted on the nectars of the wild fruit in the land of the Norns.
I have dined in the exalted halls of the Godly Realms.
This day, I am offered a creamsicle.”
What the fuck, guys, seriously? A creamsicle? Look at Thor’s face, he knows how shafted he just got.
The next page is probably like “And with that, Thor departed Midgard, returning only to raze it to ashes and spread salt across the planet, so nothing could grow evermore. Alas, the mortals should not have e’er bequeathed a craemsicle upon him.”