Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Batman Jones.
As a baby, he was saved by Batman, so his parents named him… Batman. Way to go, Mr. and Mrs. Jones.
So this doofy kid grew up introducing himself as “Batman Jones”, and when he got older he decided he wanted to be a crime fighter, just like his namesake.
Hahaha what in the fuck?
I wish- SO BADLY- that like Grant Morrison had brought him back and treated it seriously. He would have been horribly murdered like immediately.
We did it! We made it! I was worried for a second…
In Part One – we covered Batman ’66, Batman ’89, and Tim Burton’s Batman Returns…
Then in Part Two – we tore apart Joel Schumacher’s Batman Forever and the god awful Batman and Robin…
Now it’s time to review Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy!
Batman Begins (2005)
Directed By: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Christian Bale (Batman), Liam Neeson (Ra’s Al Ghul), Cillian Murphy (Scarecrow), Ken Watanabe (fake Ra’s), Katie Holmes (Rachel Dawes), Michael Caine (Alfred), Morgan Freeman (Lucius Fox), Gary Oldman (Jim Gordon), Tom Wilkinson (Carmine Falcone), Rutger Hauer (Mr. Earle)
Batmobile:
Plot: A true origin story following Bruce’s life periodically from the murder of his parents to his travels around the world making himself into Batman, one step at a time. He becomes a member of, and eventually turns against, the League of Shadows, who come to Gotham to get their revenge and destroy the city. As Batman, he must face the Falcone mafia, the Scarecrow, and Ra’s Al Ghul, while trying to rekindle his relationship with childhood friend turned assistant district attorney Rachel Dawes, establishing a relationship with Jim Gordon (one of the only honest cops in Gotham), and working to get his company back from Mr. Earle.
Last time, in Part One: we covered Batman ’66, Batman ’89, and Batman Returns, now for our descent into Hell…
Batman Forever (1995)
Directed By: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Val Kilmer (Batman), Chris O’Donnell (Robin), Jim Carrey (Riddler), Tommy Lee Jones (Two-Face), Nicole Kidman (Dr. Chase Meridian), Michael Gough (Alfred)
Batmobile:
Plot: Batman and his new sidekick Robin must face the combined forces of Two-Face (former district attorney Harvey Dent, who blames Batman for the courtroom incident that scarred his face) and the Riddler (Edward Nygma, a former employee of Bruce Wayne seeking revenge for being justifiably fired), and their device that is going to steal all of the information from all of the brains in Gotham. Or some stupid crap.
Batman has had a number of incarnations over the 75 years he’s been around, and many of them have been captured on film in the last 50 years. Depending on which movie you watch, he can be either part of the campy, ridiculous dynamic duo to the dark, brooding, badass dark knight. Depending on which version you prefer you can find at least one film that is to your tastes and is a totally valid interpretation of the character. Unless you like Batman and Robin, in which case go fuck yourself.
Erik and I will break down each of the Batman’s feature films, beginning with the 1966 adaptation of the television show and ending with Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Rises, and will attempt to convey what is good and bad about each, and which ones we liked (Batman), loved (Dark Knight) and straight up went into murderous hatred over (Batman & Robin).
Animated features were left out this time, as there are so many we feel like they deserve their own article.
Batman: The Movie (1966)
HAHAHAHAHA What the hell is this?!?!
It’s not just that he has all of these ridiculously colored costumes, or that he even wears them, but that “(He) MUST!”
Seriously, what in the fuck is this? I can’t wrap my head around why he would have them, or why he would need to wear them. It’s even weirder than Bat-Mite, the giant Batman genie, or any of the other crazy shit from that time.
WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE NEED A PINK BATMAN SUIT?
I give you bat-baby.
“There’s no way there’s anything dumber than the Bat Cow, or Ace the Bat-hound,” you might say. Well to that I say check this stupid shit out.
I mean, bat-baby? BAT-BABY??? What the fuck?
One thing super hero comics seem to do very well is to depict alternate realities and alternate versions of their characters. Wonder what would happen if the X-Men failed to stop the advancement of Sentinel technology, or if Apocalypse succeeded in taking over the world? There are stories you can read for that. Want to know one of the possible futures for the Hulk, or Superman? There’s stories for that, too. Dating back to X-Men: Days of Future Past (which even predates the Terminator films!), comics have continuously used the possible future outcomes as a way of depicting the stakes for our heroes if they lose, and as a way to show how one change in the timeline, no matter how seemingly small, can cause massive ripples in what we think of as reality.
They are also used as a way to show your favorite characters in new situations and surroundings without messing with the core character and material, a la the Age of Apocalypse.
Here are my picks for the 15 best alternate realities/timelines from Marvel and DC comics:
15. Teen Titans: The Future Is Now
Geoff Johns is the most accomplished, and probably most popular, writer for DC Comics. He is well known for titles like Action Comics, the Flash, Green Lantern, JLA, JSA, 52, Infinite Crisis, Forever Evil, and Flashpoint. But the title that typically slips between the cracks is his awesome run on Teen Titans, and the best arc was “The Future is Now”.
After teaming up with the Legion of Super Heroes, the Titans are trying to get back to their own time, but arrive a few years later than they would have liked. They try to go back to their HQ, but are surprised to find that it is occupied by the Justice League, which is made up of adult versions of themselves!
