What the….?
I have so many questions! Why is Jimmy Olsen dressed like Tarzan? Why is Superman a ‘local witch doctor’? How did he become a ‘local witch doctor’? Does it matter that he’s local? What is he brewing? Why is he making Jimmy marry a really pissed off looking ape? Why is the ape so pissed off? What the hell is that headdress Superman is wearing?
Just what in the fuck is going on here?!?!
Merry Christmas from… SANTA DOOM!!!
He sees you when you’re sleeping…
One thing super hero comics seem to do very well is to depict alternate realities and alternate versions of their characters. Wonder what would happen if the X-Men failed to stop the advancement of Sentinel technology, or if Apocalypse succeeded in taking over the world? There are stories you can read for that. Want to know one of the possible futures for the Hulk, or Superman? There’s stories for that, too. Dating back to X-Men: Days of Future Past (which even predates the Terminator films!), comics have continuously used the possible future outcomes as a way of depicting the stakes for our heroes if they lose, and as a way to show how one change in the timeline, no matter how seemingly small, can cause massive ripples in what we think of as reality.
They are also used as a way to show your favorite characters in new situations and surroundings without messing with the core character and material, a la the Age of Apocalypse.
Here are my picks for the 15 best alternate realities/timelines from Marvel and DC comics:
15. Teen Titans: The Future Is Now
Geoff Johns is the most accomplished, and probably most popular, writer for DC Comics. He is well known for titles like Action Comics, the Flash, Green Lantern, JLA, JSA, 52, Infinite Crisis, Forever Evil, and Flashpoint. But the title that typically slips between the cracks is his awesome run on Teen Titans, and the best arc was “The Future is Now”.
After teaming up with the Legion of Super Heroes, the Titans are trying to get back to their own time, but arrive a few years later than they would have liked. They try to go back to their HQ, but are surprised to find that it is occupied by the Justice League, which is made up of adult versions of themselves!
The New Fantastic Four
One of the first comics I ever got was a collection of the Walter Simonson and Arthur Adams Fantastic Four issues, which are famous for introducing a new Fantastic Four, complete with all of the most popular characters of the 1990’s. The only guy missing was the Punisher, and he ended up having a small cameo at the very end.
A runaway Skrull fugitive crash lands on Earth, and is searching for a specific weapon that will protect her from her Skrull pursuers. So she infiltrates the FF and incapacitates everyone, including Mr. Fantastic, the Invisible Woman, the Human Torch, She-Thing, Alicia Masters, and a human Ben Grimm. She then poses as Susan Richards, and after drugging the FF to appear dead, she summons four of their allies to help her. She gets the Hulk (in his gray ‘Mr. Fixit’ persona), Ghost Rider (the Danny Ketch version), Wolverine, and Spider-Man.
The Phalanx Covenant
Took Place In: Uncanny X-Men 316-317, X-Men 36-37, X-Factor 106, X-Force 38, Excalibur 82, Wolverine 85, Cable 16
Written By: Larry Hama (Cable, Wolverine), Scott Lobdell (X-Factor, Uncanny X-Men, Excalibur), Todd Dezago (X-Factor, Excalibur), Fabian Nicieza (X-Men, X-Force)
Art By: Steve Skroce (Cable), Ken Lashley/Steve Epting (Excalibur), Joe Madureira (Uncanny X-Men), Adam Kubert (Wolverine), Jan Duursema/Roger Cruz (X-Factor), Tony Daniel (X-Force), Andy Kubert (X-Men)
Characters Involved: Banshee, Emma Frost, Jubilee, Sabretooth, M, Husk, Skin, Blink (Generation Next), Professor X, Moira Mactaggert, Wolfsbane, Douglock, Cannonball, Forge, Nightcrawler, Polaris, Siryn (Life Signs), Cyclops, Phoenix, Wolverine, Cable (Final Sanction)
Story: The Phalanx Covenant is a bit of a break from the normal X-Men crossover of this time, both format-wise and content-wise. The format is a little strange, with 3 crossovers happening simultaneously under the “Phalanx Covenant” banner. Uncanny X-Men and X-Men crossover for 2 issues each in “Generation Next”, which is basically just an origin story and staging ground for the “Generation X” book, which launched shortly after. X-Force, X-Factor and Excalibur crossed over for “Life Signs”, which was the most forgettable of the 3 stories, and Cable and Wolverine crossed over for the 2 part “Final Sanction”.
I promise, I’m not trying to establish a trend here with these, but… I couldn’t not post this… it’s just… so…
WHAT THE FUCK??!!!
WHAT THE-?!
Are those banjos playing in the background I hear? Dear GOD! Look away Jimmy Olsen! Oh gawd look away!!! Nooooooooooo….
Seriously peoples, who thought this was a good idea for a cover?
Apparently cover artist Bob Oksner didn’t realize the power of implied narrative when he designed Action Comics #457 … or maybe it’s just society has ruined our perceptions of an innocent comic book cover… Nope, Wertham was right all along, we’re all doomed fucked. (no-pun-intended)
OK, I know this is from one of those promotional comics, this one about reporting sexual abuse, but I mean…
What the fuck?
Believe it or not, that is a real panel from Batman Issue #1 – where he first ‘faces off’ with Catwoman. He’s actually wiping off her makeup disguise Scooby Doo style, after uncovering her heist attempt, but from this angle it certainly looks like he’s drugging her, prior to dragging her back to the Bat Cave. Luckily for the ladies of Gotham, (and our already shattered psyches) The Batman has since toned down his borderline rapey qualities…
Fatal Attractions
Took place in: X-factor 92, X-force 25, Uncanny X-men 304, X-men 25, Wolverine 75, Excalibur 71
Written by: Scott Lobdell (Uncanny X-men, X-factor, Excalibur), Fabian Nicieza (X-men, X-force), Larry Hama (Wolverine)
Art by: Joe Quesada (X-factor), Greg Capullo (X-force), John Romita JR (Uncanny X-men), Andy Kubert (X-men), Adam Kubert (Wolverine), Ken Lashley (Excalibur)
Characters involved: Magneto, Exodus, Fabian Cortez (Acolytes), Havok, Polaris, Random, Quicksilver, Wolfsbane, Multiple Man, Strong Guy (X-Factor), Shadowcat, Phoenix, Nightcrawler (Excalibur), Cable, Cannonball, Boom Boom, Rictor, Sunspot, Warpath, Shatterstar, Feral (X-Force), Professor X, Cyclops, Storm, Jean Grey, Beast, Iceman, Archangel, Wolverine, Colossus, Bishop, Gambit, Rogue, Jubilee, Psylocke (X-Men)
Story: Unlike the last few crossovers, Fatal Attractions is really just a series of events in each title, much like Mutant Massacre. In other words, you don’t need to read any of the other chapters to follow the story in the book you were already reading.
Over the last few years in particular but really going back all the way to Secret Wars, Marvel has made a habit of telling huge, earth-shattering crossovers. Some are great, and some are… not so great (looking at you Secret Wars II!). However, when they’re good, they’re GOOD. Here is a list of my 10 favorite Marvel events.
10. Fear Itself
Probably one of the less popular on the list, but you have to admit that Fear Itself really swings for the fences.
The story centers on the return of The Serpent, the Asgardian God of Fear and Odin’s older brother (and by Asgardian law the true All-Father). This dude feeds off of fear, so the more afraid people are in general the stronger he gets. Not such a great combination when you see how he goes about spreading fear.
He is resurrected by the Red Skull (not Schmidt, but his daughter, Sin, the ‘new’ Red Skull), who finds an ancient Asgardian hammer that was created by the Serpent ages ago. When she grabs the hammer she is transformed into an avatar of the Serprent, and gets crazy, Thor level strong. Her awakening frees the Serpent, and a bunch more hammers drop to Earth, and are eventually grabbed by Atuma, the Absorbing Man, Titania, the Grey Gargoyle, the Thing, the Juggernaut, and the fucking Hulk! Each one of them loses their personalities in the hammers and basically do whatever they can to spread fear around the world, mostly by destroying every damn thing in sight.
The Avengers respond, and spread themselves perilously thin to combat the menaces. The Red Hulk is trounced by the Thing; Hawkeye, Spider-Woman, the Protector, and Ms. Marvel BARELY survive the Hulk, and just manage to save some people from him before he jumps away; the Grey Gargoyle turns every person in Paris into a statue and beats the holy living shit out of Iron Man; Titania and the Absorbing Man throw down with War Machine, Iron First, and the Immortal Weapons; Dr. Strange and Namor confront Atuma; and the X-Men are only able to ‘defeat’ the Juggernaut when Colossus agrees to become the new Juggernaut when he meets the demon Cytorrak (who grants the Juggernaut his powers pre-hammer)! Finally the Red Skull leads and army of her Hydra bastards to Washington, DC where they lay siege to the city, and she claims her greatest victory when she stabs Captain America (at the time Bucky Barnes) through the chest!
Poor Bucky just can’t stop ‘dying’.
The destruction they cause spreads panic and fear everywhere, especially when Avengers Tower falls. This makes the Serpent strong and young again, and he basically takes over the Earth.
Comic Zombie 